5/22/08

Guest Commentary

My Fellow Americans…

by Bob Connally

As we get closer and closer to an event which will forever change our lives--I am, of course, referring to the upcoming release of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Pants in Space”--one thing has become abundantly clear. America needs an alternative.

Having already sewn up the Republican nomination, John McCain is resting on his laurels. And while that laurel-rester judges chili cook-offs to beat the boredom until the Republican National Convention, the Democratic Party continues to eat itself like a multi-racial, multi-gender cannibal. How hard is it to produce a stiff white man even less charismatic than Al Gore or John Kerry?

But Americans, I realized that you deserve better. More to the point, I realized that I deserve better.  So I decided to dig in and do some research on third parties. There was the Green Party, the Reform Party, the Socialist Party, the Socialist Equity Party, Socialist Workers Party, Workers World Party, Working Families Party, and the Green Socialist Working Families Equity Reform Party brought to you by Chevron with Techron...Party. But after a grueling seventeen-minute search on Wikipedia I realized that they all sucked.

My fellow Americans, it has become obvious what I must do. Therefore I, Robert Thomas Connally, am announcing my candidacy for the President of the United States from the Whig Party. Now imagine me saying that in a packed arena while I wave, balloons fall from the rafters, and a medley of the Best of Huey Lewis and the News blasts over loudspeakers. You will be happy to be stuck with me, America.

“But the Whig Party?” you ask. “I thought they no longer existed.”  Well think again. They’ve merely been lying in wait for the past 148 years. Waiting, much like the knight at the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” inside a cave hoping for a man in a stylish brown fedora to save the day. Thanks to a Leavenworth gift shop, I own that brown fedora.

“But how many elections did the Whigs actually win?  Aren’t they in essence the Brooklyn Dodgers of presidential politics?” 

They were. But the Dodgers moved to L.A. And like Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series, we hobble back to the plate to knock “Masonic power over judicial and political institutions” out of the park.

“But why bring the Whigs back, Bob? Why now?”

The Whig Party was originally formed for the express purpose of opposing Andrew Jackson, or King Andrew if you prefer. At the time the party was doomed to fail due to Jackson’s penchant for beating Henry Clay’s adult children with his cane. It’s true!  But Jackson’s not around anymore. Though I do fear his ghost and its transparent hickory club.

It’s all too obvious now that America was just not ready for the Whig Party in the pre-Civil War era. Case in point, our first presidential victory came in 1840. That year, William Henry Harrison, a president so great he only NEEDED thirty days, promised he would only serve for one term if elected. Such was his commitment that he got pneumonia on his inauguration day and died after a month. In a time when politicians can’t keep their promises, that’s inspiring stuff. But Americans were too short-sighted at the time to notice. Or maybe it was just the bifocals.

Things went from bad to worse until the final dagger was thrust in by that turncoat Millard Fillmore when he joined the Know-Nothing Party. And if you can’t hate Millard Fillmore, then let’s face it, you can’t hate anyone.

In review, Republicans: No excitement. Democrats: Too much excitement. Whigs: Bob. And when I put it like that, it's difficult to argue with me. Well, you could, but you would be wrong.

So if an anti-Masonic ideology and a “conservative public land sales policy” mean more to you than the reality of international terrorism and the threat of box-office disaster “Waterworld” coming true, then join the proud ranks of such legendary figures as Thaddeus Stevens and Thurlow Weed. Become a Whig. Fillmores need not apply.

I am currently accepting applications for a running mate. I’m not gonna lie to ya, there may be some nights and weekends, it just depends on how this whole Iran thing goes. But the dental plan is so good that your teeth will think that they've died and gone to Heaven. However if your teeth actually do die and go to Tooth Heaven, you’ll need to get yourself some false choppers. Just like a true Whig.