The Hollywood remake machine has gotten out of control.

According to a recent article on nextmovie.com, there are more than 50 remakes currently in development. Fifty! Remakes are usually "updates" of movies from another era, but others are made simply because Hollywood thinks people won't read subtitles. (Did anyone really want "Let Me In"?)

That said, it's not as though some aren't worthwhile. And the phenomenon isn't as recent as you might think, either. As a friend of mine reminded me, "Ben-Hur" and "The Wizard of Oz" were remakes.

What's particularly distressing about this trend, though, is that some are remakes of movies less than thirty years old ("Footloose," "Arthur," "Commando"). If Hollywood will remake movies that young, then certainly no one will balk at "updating" the truly classic films of the 1930s and '40s. It's enough to make one feel like Hollywood isn't remaking movies, but attempting to replace them.

Studio executives do not give the public credit. They think no one now will be able to relate to characters or a story from 1951. So they replace "The Day the Earth Stood Still" with a shiny new one that has more 'splosions and visual effects. "Kids won't watch that old black and white thing. They want our new and improved version!"

How many people will remember Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, or Katherine Hepburn fifty years from now? If all of their best work has been remade twice by then, I'm guessing only real film buffs will. So I am (futilely) pleading with Hollywood to keep its grubby little paws off. While I could easily construct an enormous list of films that should never be touched, for now I'll just list four and give you a look at how they would turn out if replaced.

"Lawrence of Arabia": Just in time for the 50th anniversary of David Lean's original, Michael Bay's "re-imagining" will star Johnny Depp as the British legend. Shot entirely in front of green screens and with digital cameras, the movie will be an hour shorter than Lean's. Lawrence will also have a strong-willed love interest who is on the front lines of the World War I Arab revolt for some reason, played by Renee Zellweger.

"Gone With the Wind": Ron Howard's take on Margaret Mitchell's novel runs about an hour shorter than the original. "Step Up's" Channing Tatum stars as the dashing Rhett, while strong-willed Scarlett O'Hara is portrayed by Renee Zellweger. Since it's Ron Howard it will be polished, accomplished, and completely sapped of all personality. James Horner will provide the score by simply re-labeling recordings of his previous work and hoping no one will notice. He will receive an Oscar nomination.

"Amelie" (now called "Emily"): Directed by Garry Marshall, this Americanized take on the French comedy will star Katherine Heigl as a shy waitress with a vivid imagination. It will be set in New York and she will make a lot of stupid decisions before finding love with a rough-around-the-edges but lovable Yankees fanatic, played by Gerard Butler.

"Network": It's a movie with so much relevance to the present that there is absolutely no reason to remake it. Which is exactly why they will. Sean Penn writes, directs, and stars as "Mad as Hell" news anchor Howard Beale in a not so veiled lambasting of Fox News. The fact that MSNBC is the liberal equivalent of Fox is never acknowledged. Being Hollywood, they leave the network they happen to agree with alone.

"This is mass madness, you maniacs!" And it needs to stop.